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22nd July 2018

 Please be advised that this journal contains a myriad of topics, all personal and some extremely personal.  I'm not interested in lurkers b/c this is my life.  if you have objections, please just unfriend me.

11th December 2014

12:10am: maybe it's time to start journaling again
It has been a really long time.  I've thought of journaling often over the last few years. it's even been suggested to me by my multiple mental health providers.  But for some reason, I've never actually gotten around to it.  so tonight, i'm gonna try this out a bit.

Since PA school ended, I've been on a quest to reclaim my job b/c I lost it somewhere in all the medicine, stress, and aim to succeed.  When asked what I liked to do, I honestly had no answer.  There were things I did to quiet the brain storm- tv watching, endless repetive games, overeating, smoking, drinking too much...but no real things that just brought me straight up pleasure.  Over time I have discovered that some old standby loves are still there...reading.  I'm actually reading again and in a book club.  I love the brain effect of reading a book, total submerging into somewhere else, someone else.  it's tranfigurative.  Bible study, although still an infrequent participant, has been a source of uplift as well as Sunday church.

Anyway, i've got to find a way to decompress that's not bad for me.  Which is a new thing for me b/c i have spent my entire life hurting myself to relieve my anxiety...boy is it hard work to not take care of oneself.  I'm not sure why this is supposed to help but i don't remember liking it once upon time.

So maybe i'm going to get back to doing this again.  i can't imagine it will be very interesting but if it helps, so be it.

22nd March 2011

5:02am: Life is good and hard
Hello LJ world,

To keep it short and sweet, I'm in PA school in Western Virginia right below the WV/VA border about 2 hours from B-more and DC.  It's a beautiful area in the Shenandoah Valley, a cute little safe town w/ pretty much most of what I need.  Lots of DC transplants who wanted a more quiet existence live out here so in the middle of what used to be rural farmland central, we have yuppie developments, shops, etc.  

School is hard.  WEll, not so much hard as VAST.  the stuff we need to know isn't complicated, there's just so much of it.  I spend most days at school from 8am-5pm w/ minimal breaks.  Then I'm supposed to come home and study/review the material.  This is only plausible in theory b/c TYPICALLY I have 1-3 exams on any given week, not including quizzes or HW assignments that require my attention moreso than "reviewing" weekly lecture material.  And then there's the community aspect of it, we have a project w/ seniors in the community, we do a fundraiser for a 5 day medical mission trip to Nicaragua that requires us going out and getting people to donate stuff, we have service projects w/in the community, and we have political stuff for the PA profession that we are "strongly encouraged" to be apart of (of course, b/c i'm my strong opinioned self, i've been selected to be a house representative for the student branch of PA's main organization, AAPA).  There's just so much to do, there is no down time.  there is only the next min, hour, day.  But I prayed for this, right?  Irony of ironies. 

Some things of note since my last post WAY back a long time ago.  
  1. i'm still in therapy.  here at school (which is FREE) and my therapist is awesome.
  2. i've maintained my weight.  actually, i'm smaller than i've been in my entire life. smaller than my mom even.  but over the last month, i've started gaining :)
  3. my grandfather died last month (hence the weight gain).
  4. I started smoking, quit smoking, started smoking, quit smoking....AAARRGHHH!
  5. i've been dating the same person for over a year now.  I didn't think i was capable of it, honestly....but here i am, despite school, despite the fact he's back in baltimore, it's working...
so i'm good.  mostly.  i'm def. struggling w/ the same old eating problems.  the same old all-or-none problems.  the same old "aurora" problems.  but i'm living my dream (even if that doesn't seem possible).  i'm studying medicine.  wow.  i am actually studying medicine.  and learning how to practice medicine.  AND i'm in a real live adult relationship... neither of these things are as easy or romantic as i dreamt it would be....neither of these things have "fixed" me, but when i didn't have them, it was all i ever wanted...and now that i do have both, i wouldn't give them up for anything.

God be praised.

Current Mood: exhausted

1st April 2010

12:37am: i got into PA school
After a really really long time, the end is actually here.  I got into a physician assistant program and i start my career path of choice in late aug.

Praise God.

28th June 2009

10:54am: 619 out of 1400 people and 119 out of 268 in my division!

 This may or may not be a new personal best.  The Fiesta 5K I did last month doesn't give Net times (which is when an individual runner crosses the start and then crosses the finish) so its hard to compare to this one b/c they only give gun times (which is officially when the race began but if you are 200+ people deep you may not actually cross the start for several minutes after the gun time begins)....

Today's race was hard.  My training hasn't been optimal primarily b/c i've been lazy and unwilling to get 3 runs in a week...the lesser reasons are physical therapy and my pelvic/knee/coccyx issues. So, the race was hard AND HOT, despite it being 8am...my goodness, it was murderously hot.  PLUS, the start was a complete web of women every where, no one in the middle being able to run or get through the throngs of women at slower than 12mi/min pace...dodging people and having to find a way around or through people took a lot of my usual energy and pace out of my first mile....But I ran the whole thing, even the hills...and felt very very accomplished by the end.  So if it's not my personal best, this was at the very least the race I had to push the hardest through. 

                                                                      Page 1
         The New Balance Jenny Smith Baltimore Women's Classic 5K
                     Baltimore, Maryland  Jun 28, 2009
             Timing via IPICO Chip Technology by CharmCityRun


Place Div/Tot  Num   Name                  S Ag Hometown                Net T Gun T  Pace  
===== ======== ===== ===================== = == ======================= ===== =====  ===== 
619 119/268     21 Aurora Anderson       F 32 Baltimore MD            33:23 34:18  11:03
Current Mood: enthralled

26th May 2009

1:15pm: WOOOHOOO!
Session A091 SPRING 2009

Academic Totals
Session GPA   
Session Credits Earned 
Cumulative GPA4.000
Cumulative Credits Earned7.00



Session Grades
Index Course Section Description Mid-term Grade Mid-term Grade Desc Final Grade Final Grade Desc Credit Hours
7844 BIO 112 7844 ANATOMY AND PHYSIOLOGY II A Superior Work 4.00
3564 EMSP103 3564 EMS Technician-Basic A Superior Work 7.00

3rd May 2009

11:58pm: Race #2- I cut 4 mins off my time from the first race!
		      The Packard Center's Fiesta 5K
			    Baltimore, Maryland
			   Saturday, May 2, 2009

Pl   Name                     Age Hometown         Time    Div   Div Pl 
442 AURORA ANDERSON 31 Baltimore MD 32:54 F3039 44
AND I ran a 8min mile and 2 miles in 22 mins.  i'm STOKED. 
Current Mood: accomplished

26th April 2009

10:23pm: Life is hectic but good.
I haven't been good about keeping up with journalling but i so very much want to.  Its just when faced with so much other 'stuff', i can't really justify sitting in front of the computer when 1)something needs to be graded 2) something needs to be studied 3) something needs to be created that I will then have to grade after the students complete it 4)i'm running late for any number of different commitments....aarrgh.  I feel like i say that a lot but then continue to do this to myself.  actually, i KNOW that i say it a lot and then continue to do this to myself.  Its how i avoid my head for sure, BUT (and this is a big but), i'm actually learning how to look at myself through therapy.  

So, life is hectic but fulfilling.  This pic is last sunday after a run w/ a friend (no i didn't run in this but i did go to church in it before the run).  The last time I wore this dress was almost exactly 6 years earlier going to visit a friend in hawaii.  I had to be stuffed into it but i was DETERMINED.  6 years later, i'm in it again.  What a fantastic ride this has been. 

29th March 2009

2:28am: Fun outside of work

15th March 2009

9:54pm: My first 5K

Place Div/Tot  Name                    S Ag Hometown         Gun T Net T  Pace 
2615 502/696 Aurora Anderson F 31 Baltimore MD 36:53 34:10 11:00

6th March 2009

5:18pm: Friday P&Cs
  1. my knee hurts.  the physical therapist hurt me but i suppose its for my good.
  2. i'm 2 weeks from my 1yr surgiversary and i'm not at my goal weight. 
  1. 1st physical therapy appt for my knee.  
  2. 1st therapist appt for my compulsive binge eating disorder
  3. i lost 4lbs this week
  4. i lost a bunch of inches in my stomach, legs and arms this month
  5. I'm got a free water bottle by doing a treadmill 5K at my gym

lap-VSG (3/24/09)

x-posted in journal
Current Mood: cheerful

27th February 2009

4:51pm: This poem on the writer's almanac spoke to me..happy friday all!

"He Attempts to Love His Neighbours," by Alden Nowlan, from Selected Poems. © Anansi. Reprinted with permission.

He Attempts to Love His Neighbours

My neighbours do not wish to be loved.
They have made it clear that they prefer to go peacefully
about their business and want me to do the same.
This ought not to surprise me as it does;
I ought to know by now that most people have a hundred things
they would rather do than have me love them.

There is television, for instance; the truth is that almost everybody,
given the choice between being loved and watching TV,
would choose the latter. Love interrupts dinner,
interferes with mowing the lawn, washing the car,
or walking the dog. Love is a telephone ringing or a doorbell
waking you moments after you've finally succeeded in getting to sleep.

So we must be careful, those of us who were born with
the wrong number of fingers or the gift
of loving; we must do our best to behave
like normal members of society and not make nuisances
of ourselves; otherwise it could go hard with us.
It is better to bite back your tears, swallow your laughter,
and learn to fake the mildly self-deprecating titter
favoured by the bourgeoisie
than to be left entirely alone, as you will be,
if your disconformity embarrasses
your neighbours; I wish I didn't keep forgetting that.

Current Mood: contemplative

20th February 2009

12:43pm: 11 months post surgery

Last year at this time, I was excited and scared about my impending surgery.  Now, eleven months later, I’m a bit excited and scared about being 1 year out next month.  Although I’ve lost 55% of my excess weight, It seems that I’m not going to make my personal goal of being 150lbs by my 1 yr surgiversary.    However, It's important for me to keep perspective and stay positive about what i have accomplished. 

What I can do now that I couldn't do then:

  1. Cross my legs
  2. Walk into a room and not wonder if i'm the fattest woman in the room
  3. Like myself
  4. Take risks
  5. Run over 3 miles
  6. Go to the gym regularly w/o feeling totally intimidated by the other patrons
  7. Wear clothes I couldn't even wear in college3
It's ok that i'm not going to make this weight goal.  As long as i'm alive, i can keep fighting for whatever weight goal I choose.  And i've gained so very much from this experience.... i feel like this is still very much the beginning of the race, not the end.  

THEN              NOW
Current Mood: accomplished

9th February 2009

2:54pm: disgustingly good fun.
2:48pm: did you know?


One pound of body fat is equal to 3,500 calories. That means you have to create a 3,500-calorie deficit through diet and exercise to lose one pound of body fat. To gain a pound, you'd have to consume 3,500 calories more than your body is able to use.



Current Mood: bouncy

6th February 2009

4:40pm: Friday P&Cs
  1. made it to my first eating disorder therapy session.  
  2. did all three of my week 8 runs (28 mins each).
  3. Made def. plans to run in the St. patty's day 5K
  4. binging decreased dramatically
  5. told my personal trainer about my binging
  6. lost 2 lbs for the first time in 3 months
  7. learning how to snowboarding tomorrow (fun exercise, right?)
  8. I'm feeling pretty happy.
  9. Some very dear old friends found me on facebook.
  1. the therapy session resulted in an attempted binge.  i bought the food but didn't partake.
  2. My knee is not quite right and has been getting worse as my runs progress. 
  3. My apartment situation is getting more unmanageable.
  4. still waiting to hear if my interview will result in entry into PA school. 
lap-VSG (Dr. Alex Gandsas, Sinai Hospital, MD) 3/24/08
228/212/167/150 (130)
x-posted in journal
Current Mood: busy

3rd November 2008

11:35am: Why are people so stupid?
So because gun enthusiasts are afraid that Obama's presidency will spell loss of gun rights, people are buying more guns.   www.cbsnews.com/stories/2008/10/27/politics/washingtonpost/main4547564.shtml

Which i think is entirely insane, especially since Obama has no overt 'anti-gun' platforms other than some of the more crazy one's regarding the right to own, use, and purchase a freaking assault weapon. 

Which the bad ramifications of this can be seen here when a 12-year old was killed when went trick-or-treating at the wrong person's door: news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20081101/ap_on_re_us/trick_or_treat_killing

No, I can't say that if he'd been shot with a handgun or a non-automatic weapon he would have lived.  however, if someone where to unload their handgun on someone, it has much less deadly capacity than an AK-47and that is indisputable.  In this difficult economy, people will inevitably resort to more drastic actions.  There will be more violence, theft, assaults and if every frightened person goes out and gets not only a gun, but an assault weapon, this country will revert back to the 'wild west' times I see portrayed in Deadwood.  God help us.

Current Mood: surprised

12th October 2008

11:43am: I don't go to weddings as a rule.  But in the last month, I was asked to attend the nuptials of not one but two dear friends of mine.  Two very different ceremonies, one a civil union at the Baltimore city courthouse, the other an outdoor wedding on a expansive farm out in the country, but both similar in their objective of joining two lives together. 
Typically, i would decline.  I'm not that girl and people know that.  Maybe that's why I was asked.  Maybe that's what made the invitation to be the sole witness at my friend's simple courthouse union so moving.
PicsCollapse )I am forever united with them as the legal witness of their intention to be with each other.  That felt special.  The service was simple, succinct, slightly impersonal but entirely sufficient for it's purpose, cheesy tacky decor be damned.  i was proud to be a part of it.  As a friend of the groom's, i wasn't even required or invited to take part in the traditional machinations that accompany weddings.  I didn't have to watch strippers, jeer him about the loss of his freedom and the inevitable 'whippedness' that would naturally overtake him, nor get him ridiculously and humilatingly drunk.  I just had to show up to the courthouse and be present for him to legally commit his life to someone else's.  that's the part i care about.  it was beautiful.

As a friend of the bride's, i was not so lucky w/ wedding # 2.  I was just one in the gaggle of women attending multiple bridal-themed occasions. 
PicsCollapse )

These are all the things and reasons I say 'no' to weddings.  The discomfort of being one of the 'friends' surrounded by other 'friends'.  The discomfort of pretending to care about the mixer the bride just received or the silly hat someone made for her out of the all the ribbons from the gifts.  The inconvenience of having to buy multiple presents for multiple parties, the getting dressed up, the small talk with strangers and the inevitable discussions of pregnancies and other women's sweet and horrifying wedding stories.  The rituals involved in the anointing of this new member into the marriage tribe, a clique i do not belong to, bore and at times, even disgust me. 

But i participated.  I participated b/c i particularly related to this bride's woes and angst.  I got her.  Her engagement was something both expected and entirely unexpected, the piece de resistance in her tumultuous relationship with a man she loved.  I wanted to be there to watch woman-so-like-me marry the man she'd longed to call husband.  i wanted to witness the gift of marriage be bestowed onto her.

I'm 31 years old and never married.  It is both likely and unlikely I will marry.  Although i may never 'look forward' to attending a wedding.  Unexpectedly, these two weddings gave me something I didn't even realize i needed.  They gave me true perspective and that is something this outsider rarely experiences. 

Congratulations friends, i wish you well.
Current Mood: enthralled

12th August 2008

2:12pm: The other option which also fits me to a T

Your result for The Quick & Painless ENNEAGRAM Test...

2 - the Helper

Thanks for taking the test !

you chose CX - your Enneagram type is TWO (aka "The Charmer").

"I must help others"

Helpers are warm, concerned, nurturing, and sensitive to other people's

How to Get Along with Me

  • Tell me that you appreciate me. Be specific.

  • Share fun times with me.

  • Take an interest in my problems, though I will probably try to focus
    on yours.

  • Let me know that I am important and special to you.

  • Be gentle if you decide to criticize me.

    In Intimate Relationships

  • Reassure me that I am interesting to you.

  • Reassure me often that you love me.

  • Tell me I'm attractive and that you're glad to be seen with me.

What I Like About Being a TWO

  • being able to relate easily to people and to make friends

  • knowing what people need and being able to make their lives better

  • being generous, caring, and warm

  • being sensitive to and perceptive about others' feelings

  • being enthusiastic and fun-loving, and having a good sense of humor

What's Hard About Being a TWO

  • not being able to say no

  • having low self-esteem

  • feeling drained from overdoing for others

  • not doing things I really like to do for myself for fear of being selfish

  • criticizing myself for not feeling as loving as I think I should

  • being upset that others don't tune in to me as much as I tume in to

  • working so hard to be tactful and considerate that I suppress my real feelings

TWOs as Children Often

  • are very sensitive to disapproval and criticism

  • try hard to please their parents by being helpful and understanding

  • are outwardly compliant

  • are popular or try to be popular with other children

  • act coy, precocious, or dramatic in order to get attention

  • are clowns and jokers (the more extroverted TWOs), or quiet and shy
    (the more introverted TWOs)

TWOs as Parents

  • are good listeners, love their children unconditionally, and are warm
    and encouraging (or suffer guilt if they aren't)

  • are often playful with their children

  • wonder: "Am I doing it right?" "Am I giving enough?"

    "Have I caused irreparable damage?"

  • can become fiercely protective

Renee Baron & Elizabeth Wagele

The Enneagram Made Easy

Discover the 9 Types of People

SanFrancisco, 1994, 161 pages

You liked the test?

so S P R E A D I T ! tell everyone!!!
use Quick-Paste below)

you wanna know MORE?

so check out, what Wikipedia says about your type...

...even more you'll find in Google

or do you prefer to

You are not completely happy with the result?!

You chose CX

Would you rather have chosen:

  • AX (SEVEN)
  • BX (NINE)
  • CY (SIX)
  • CZ (ONE)
  • Take The Quick & Painless ENNEAGRAM Test at HelloQuizzy

    10:18am: Me pretty much to a T- i'm at least happy that i this test says i won't be a bad parent

    Your result for The Quick & Painless ENNEAGRAM Test...

    6 - the Questioner

    Thanks for taking the test !

    you chose CY - your Enneagram type is SIX (aka "The Loyalist").

    "I am affectionate and skeptical"

    Questioners are responsible, trustworthy, and value loyalty to family,
    friends, groups, and causes. Their personalities range broadly from reserved
    and timid to outspoken and confrontative.

    How to Get Along with Me

    • Be direct and clear.

    • Listen to me carefully.

    • Don't judge me for my anxiety.

    • Work things through with me.

    • Reassure me that everything is OK between us.

    • Laugh and make jokes with me.

    • Gently push me toward new experiences.

    • Try not to overreact to my overreacting.

    What I Like About Being a SIX

    • being committed and faithful to family and friends

    • being responsible and hardworking

    • being compassionate toward others

    • having intellect and wit

    • being a nonconformist

    • confronting danger bravely

    • being direct and assertive

    What's Hard About Being a SIX

    • the constant push and pull involved in trying to make up my mind

    • procrastinating because of fear of failure; having little confidence
      in myself

    • fearing being abandoned or taken advantage of

    • exhausting myself by worrying and scanning for danger

    • wishing I had a rule book at work so I could do everything right

    • being too critical of myself when I haven't lived up to my expectations

    SIXes as Children Often

    • are friendly, likable, and dependable, and/or sarcastic, bossy, and

    • are anxious and hypervigilant; anticipate danger

    • form a team of "us against them" with a best friend or parent

    • look to groups or authorities to protect them and/or question authority and rebel

    • are neglected or abused, come from unpredictable or alcoholic families, and/or take on the fearfulness of an overly anxious parent

    SIXes as Parents

    • are often loving, nurturing, and have a strong sense of duty

    • are sometimes reluctant to give their children independence

    • worry more than most that their children will get hurt

    • sometimes have trouble saying no and setting boundaries

    Renee Baron & Elizabeth Wagele

    The Enneagram Made Easy

    Discover the 9 Types of People

    SanFrancisco, 1994, 161 pages

    You liked the test?

    so S P R E A D I T ! tell everyone!!!
    (use Quick-Paste below)

    you wanna know MORE?

    so check out, what Wikipedia says about your type...

    ...even more you'll find in Google

    or do you prefer to

    You are not completely happy with the result?!

    You chose CY

    Would you rather have chosen:

  • AY (EIGHT)
  • BY (FOUR)
  • CX (TWO)
  • CZ (ONE)

    Take The Quick & Painless ENNEAGRAM Test at HelloQuizzy

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